Stop Whining and Read Another Life Story

I like to talk about my life story, so yes, I know I’ve told it before. But it’s the only one I have. If a testimonial sticks its head out in my writing, well, I’m not afraid of him.

Most of my life up to around 45 was a house that alcoholism built. The studs and timbers were pretreated in it. The glass tinted in it. Every emotion, experience and thought passed through the Halls of Alcoholism, so I cannot speak for what life is like for someone who is not an alcoholic. For those people, I am left reading the signs, for it was never my life. That said, I often think alcoholics are just a more intense version of the average, non-alcoholic person. And just to get this out of the way—the kind of person you are is what determines your life. Not the other way around. There it is! I’ve said it!.../(drop mic).

Going into my teenage years, rage was the growing drive that generally determined my life. I sometimes felt so much rage, I scared the people around me. Memories still come back that make me cringe. Things I thought happened were so far off from reality, I am aghast to this day. But both the worst part and the saving grace of it all was that rage made my choices even when I wasn’t feeling rage. It was THE guiding light in my life that actually did nothing but create darkness.

I think there is a basic law of consciousness that others don’t necessarily agree with and that is—there is no difference in the hate I feel for you and the hate I feel for me. It is not possible to feel the one without the other. There is no firewall in the brain or consciousness that separates the two. When there is no self-hate (rage being the active energy of hate), there is no hate. What we feel about others (not think) is what we feel about ourselves. Our feelings hold both our relative truth and are the doorway to absolute truth.

Hate is terrific at disguise. Most people never notice that little kernel of hardness twisting in the soul until some hate just has to come out in griping, bitching or whining. Yes, I am talking about those subtle offshoots of hate we have conveniently labeled as “something else”. Or that same little kernel of hardness as we congratulate someone for a success when we’ve had none. And that same little kernel of hardness when someone tries to be our friend that we feel is beneath us. We seldom see the hate in simple judgements we make about people that we think is describing reality. We frame our whole lives in hate and never notice.

The truth I saw about people was always negative, even when I wasn't drinking. What I didn't notice at the time was that, that negativity always conveniently put others down while bolstering me. It was a whole fake world I lived in. One day, life in that direction (for me) grinded to a halt and started back against the flow. That's when the entire hue of life changed. What clicked into place after that was that I began to see people as people. Instead of comparative negativity, I saw things like whether or not someone needed help. I began to see things about people I hadn't noticed before--talents, humor, things I could learn from them. I suddenly was no longer feeling threatened. By what? Anything and anyone. I no longer experienced people as entities who subtracted from my life. They, instead, began to and still do—add to my life.

But I think the biggest change was that I stopped trying to adjust the behavior of people around me and learned the art of "walking around the bridge". I stopped demanding life and people bend for me or that they bow down to my quirks or take care of my feelings. There's a passage in The Velveteen Rabbit that says, "things with sharp edges or that break easily or have to be kept carefully don't often become real." It's our training, here in The Prosperos, that ground down those edges for me. My inner life is way more continuous without the kaleidoscope of constant little jabs of worry, anger, fear throughout the day--little jabs of fear, anger, worry that would become great big things I made others responsible for. 

But after all the battles are won and the banners placed, all I've really done is just relaxed and found the "me" that is there without all the tension.